Navigating Office Culture Like a Boss
Photo:@africanstylelibrary
Any good leader of a top organization will tell you that people are the most important ingredient for success. They would tell you that people who are good at their jobs are key, but the people who excel at bringing out the best in others and moving them all toward a common goal make the best leaders, have the brightest futures and enact the greatest change. In other words, the best leaders know how to get on well with others.
Look, I always try to keep it real with you and share my actual learnings and experiences. I try to discuss solutions and strategies based on the way things are instead of how they should be. I mention this because I know that “likability” is a controversial topic. We would all prefer to live in a world where a woman could go to work, do her job and go home, giving thought only to her competence and none to all that other messy, people stuff. I also know that what makes a person likable is highly subjective and can be based on one’s biases.
So knowing that likability is so subjective and potentially out of one’s control, why should we consider it? Dear reader, think about it like this: A“leader” isn’t someone who simply leads a team of people below them, but a person who also guides their peers and the people above them in one strategic direction. Can people be their best selves if they are nervous around you because you don’t give any thought to how you come off? Can you achieve your goals if people are walking all over you because you care too much about how they feel about you? Successfully navigating office culture is a tough balance to strike and balancing how people feel about you as you plough through your strategic objectives is undoubtedly a delicate dance. Let’s unpack it some more.
Was I the Villain?
As a straight shooting and assertive woman, my “decisiveness” and no-nonsense style struck fear and fostered self-doubt in others. I felt this energy and didn’t really mind as long as my team was hitting our targets. I often heard my “perfectionism” was intimidating. I remember getting annoyed at this feedback. I thought, “I’m at times intimidated by our president, and I don’t expect her to change for me. So why should I have to change for others?” I can feel you nodding your head furiously.
Well, I eventually got some tough feedback. People were indeed terrified of me. It wasn’t just an energy I was feeling, it was a fact. After digging deep within myself (thanks to a flirtation with Buddhism) and asking myself the hard questions, I realized that there were some things that I could do better in order to be a better leader. Remember, a leader brings out the best in others. Equally importantly, I realized that my perfectionism was the source of a lot of my internal and external tensions and relinquishing a bit of it would take some pressure off of me.
You see my “problem” was never my subordinates but my peers. At times I thought they could do better, try harder, work smarter. My feelings may have been valid but in hindsight, I didn’t always express my expectations or disappointments in the best way. Perhaps some of their inadequacies were a result of their nervousness. Former In Vibrant Company featured guest, Annastasia Seebohm Giacomini, once received similar feedback about needing to adopt a more “feminine approach” to her leadership style. I’m comforted to know that I’m in good company!
Often the people that get to the top, do so because they’re not very agreeable in their nature. But without careful course-correction they hit a plateau or get knocked down. Thankfully Annastasia and I both pivoted where necessary.
Was I the villain?
Avoiding the Likability Trap.
I’m the biggest proponent of embracing the notion that you may not be for everyone. In fact, you shouldn’t be. Women already struggle to be disagreeable, as it is in our nature (well most of us) to want to get on with others, to build relationships and to mend bridges. So it may seem like an unfair burden to pile on pressure to be liked. Sometimes people are wrong! Or they dislike you for bad reasons, especially when you’re doing well or getting a lot of attention. You can’t and shouldn’t contort yourself according to their whims and fancies. The likability I refer to, the kind you should aim for, is one where by allowing yourself to be human, you foster an environment where people feel comfortable in being their best selves and doing their best work. One where they are human too.
So let’s be clear: I am not advocating turning yourself into a people-pleasing sucker or compromising your standards and ethics for approval. Recognizing the importance of likability doesn’t mean tying yourself into knots for acceptance, doing others work for them or internalizing unconstructive criticism. Leaning into likability does not mean avoiding the truth, ignoring facts or delaying necessary decisions for fear of disappointing others. It certainly does not mean accepting shoddy work.
You’re nobody’s fool
Now you’re thinking, “that’s rather confusing Nony, on the one hand you’re saying being likable matters but on the other you’re saying to get comfortable with being disliked. Which is it girl?” I said it was a delicate balance. I didn’t say it was easy.
Here are ten illustrations of how to navigate office culture like a boss vs. a doormat or tyrant.
SCENARIO 1 : WHEN YOU MAKE A MISTAKE
Likable: You can firmly admit to your mistake and propose a solution because you understand that one mistake does not erase all the good you have done.
Door Mat: You apologize profusely and shrink away in shame convinced you are a fraud.
Tyrant: You pretend the mistake didn’t happen or you try to deflect and shift the blame.
SCENARIO 2 : MAKING SMALL TALK
Likable: You understand that small connections make a huge difference. You makes sure to ask people about their children, sick family members, pets, weekends or holidays. You share a little about yourself.
Door Mat: In your desperation to be liked and needed, you overshare about your life and become a therapist/mom figure to others.
Tyrant: You don’t see the value in connecting with others on a personal level. You never talk about your life or ask others about theirs. Worse, you think all your colleagues are out to get you!
SCENARIO 3: WHEN OTHERS ARE SUCCESSFUL
Likable: You recognize that other people’s wins don’t take anything away from you. You give credit where it is due and are particular about recognizing the efforts of those below you or out of the spotlight.
Door Mat: You give credit through self-deprecating compliments such as “I would never have been able to figure that out.” Or you downplay your part in successes “Oh it was all Mary, I didn’t do anything at all!”
Tyrant: You take all the credit, never congratulate others or acknowledge the contributions of people who can’t do anything for you.
SCENARIO 4: AT SOCIAL GATHERINGS
Likable: You understand that connecting outside of the office environment can enhance relationships with your superiors, peers and subordinates, so you occasionally go to happy hours, dinners, birthday celebrations to show face and be human.
Door Mat: You go to everything you can at great personal cost, in fact you are the organizer in chief!
Tyrant: These people aren’t your friends! In fact they’re here to sabotage you, so you don’t go to anything.
SCENARIO 5: WHEN YOUR COLLEAGUE MAKES A MISTAKE
Likable: You listen, offer support and fair counsel if asked. You mind your business.
Door Mat: You find a way to blame yourself “I should have reminded you!” “I should have caught that error or reviewed the deck again.” You insert yourself into the drama. You go around defending them.
Tyrant: You mock them or highlight the error to anyone that will listen.
SCENARIO 6: WHEN YOUR SUBORDINATE MAKES A MISTAKE
Likable: You want them to learn accountability but understand that they still have your support. You listen patiently, are honest and fair about the consequences and help them come up with a solution that can be jointly presented to those affected.
Door Mat: You throw your cape on, take full responsibility and apologize profusely to anyone who will listen.
Tyrant: You blame them, disparage them and distance yourself from the error.
SCENARIO 7: WHEN A SUBORDINATE IS FAILING
Likable: You quietly pull them aside and speak honestly and tactfully. You come up with an action plan with deadlines and consequences.
Door Mat: You tell them what they want to hear, downplay the issues and are vague about the consequences. When cross-functional partners complain about their work, you deflect and make excuses.
Tyrant: You quietly make note of their failings and ambush them at their year end review giving them no opportunity to improve.
SCENARIO 8: WHEN YOU DISAGREE WITH A COLLEAGUE
Likable: You make your case at the appropriate moment sticking to facts. You move on if you can’t win.
Door Mat: You say nothing or pretend to agree with them.
Tyrant: You shut them down firmly and publicly and make your case incessantly to anyone who will listen.
SCENARIO 9: WHEN YOU DON’T KNOW SOMETHING
Likable: You honestly and shamelessly admit to not knowing, allowing someone who does know, a chance at the spotlight by assisting you.
Door Mat: You shameless admit to not knowing with embarrassment and immense guilt. You put yourself down making statements like “I’m such an idiot!”
Tyrant: You pretend you know.
SCENARIO 10: DURING MEETINGS
Likable: You make small talk because you understand the power of human connection. You only speak if you can add value because you know that your worth is not defined by every single meeting “performance”.
Door Mat: You only speak up when called on or when you have the chance to praise someone else. You avoid making your case or advocating for your position in case someone may disagree.
Tyrant: You avoid small talk at the start but then talk as much as you can during the meeting. Your presence must be known and your intelligence felt!
I’ll end this likability study with these questions: Would you want to work with or for you? Would you hire you? Would you want to manage you? Pause. Dig deep before you answer. If the answer to any of this is no, adjust accordingly.