The Girls That Get it Get it.

Image courtesy of Warner Bros. Discovery

Ever heard that quote, “what’s for you can never miss you?”

Actually it could.

Story 1

A few years ago, I was having a conversation with a friend who was telling me that a man had bought her an expensive gift very early in their courtship. They had only been out a few times and talked on the phone quite a bit. She had told a few colleagues about this and they were appalled. They warned her to be careful, to return the gift and to be weary of this gentleman. “Why would he spend so much money already?” “What does he want?”

It never occurred to these women that this was simply what this man did for my friend because he could. Maybe he did it because he liked her and he wanted her to have something nice and to remember him. Maybe he wanted to stand out in her mind in case other men were pursuing her. Needless to say my friend listened to these colleagues, returned the gift and cut the man off. They had succeeded in scaring her. His true intentions? We will never know. I told my friend some words that she later told me really stuck with her. I said “some people don’t get offered the things you get offered.” She remembered these words years later when her then-boyfriend and now husband asked her to move to Kenya with him after a few months of dating. Another big whoa of an offer! But a big whoa that changed her life.

Story 2

Years back I was at dinner with a good friend and two acquaintances. A table of two guys showed interest in our group, more specifically one of the guys was interested in my good friend. They sent over drinks and chatted us up a bit. This was back in the day when people actually met out and not online! The interested man asked my friend to join him at his table so they could have another drink and talk some more. His friend was married and uninterested in any of us, though polite. The two acquaintances of mine sneered “what?! you’re not actually going to join him are you? That’s so weird.” They couldn’t quite say what was so weird about it and I suspect they wouldn’t have found it so weird if the men had been interested in them! I encouraged her to go and sit with him if she wanted to. Get to know him outside of our prying eyes and ears. If she felt uncomfortable or lost interest she could return to us. If it went well she could continue with him, I wouldn’t mind. She could also just get his phone number at the very least. What is the loss? Nobody was harmed that night. Except maybe some egos.

Story 3

When I was 23 years old and thinking about moving to New York City, many women (mostly aunties and family friends) kept warning me not to go. “There are more women than men in New York. It’s very hard to meet a guy.” I remember thinking, “maybe for you it will be…” Sure, they were right about the gender split in the city, I just didn’t believe in my core that this would be a problem for me. So I moved. I had a very exciting life, fulfilling career, built wonderful friendships and had good and bad relationships. I eventually did meet my husband in New York and would never have met him if I had lived elsewhere. I shudder to picture my life if I had listened to these well-meaning women and never moved.

Reader, we often hear about “limiting beliefs” and how to smash through them. We are also told to be careful to whom we tell our dreams, plans, ideas and goals. This advice is often dolled out regarding our career and business goals but it very much also applies to our personal goals.

I told these stories to illustrate something: Sometimes people aren’t responding negatively out of jealousy or because they’re “haters.” They simply don’t understand. Maybe men don’t cross rooms to talk to them. Maybe no one has never ever bought them anything nice without expectations. Some people simply never get the same kind of offers and treatment that others get. If you find yourself being someone who people (not justice men!) are drawn to, someone who people do cross rooms to meet, you can’t expect people that are not that to give you relevant advice or to understand the offers that you get.

This especially happens as we start to do well in life. You’re killing it at career and socially and now you’re being invited into rooms you’ve never been in, you’re mixing with people you’ve never mixed with before. How can your old crew advise you? They may mean well but they simply may not understand. Indeed some values transcend all situations: honesty, kindness, integrity. But some opportunities and experiences will be new. Some offers will only come to you and a few other people in the world who are like you.

Life is very unfair. That we realize but you may not realize that you are blessed to walk it a little easier than others if you’re only surrounded by people who have always had it hard. Take this essay as your sign.

So the next time a wonderful or curious new opportunity comes into your lap, don’t meet it immediately with doubt and suspicion. Don’t be so quick to run to that friend who nothing ever happens for. Rest in the realization that offers come to you, good things come to you and then seek out another person who moves in that spirit to give you some guidance. Or don’t reach out. Trust your gut instead.