9 Relationship Lessons I learned the Hard Way
I spent four years of my 20’s in a roller coaster of a relationship with the wrong person. Not to mention the few years after it had ended that I spent regretting, over-thinking, blaming, reminiscing. My self-esteem was in shambles and my opinion of men was rather low. Despite all this, I actually felt, dare I say, hopeful. The roller coaster had finally ended and I was free to stop worrying, wondering, cajoling, convincing, trying on new personalities and running from the truth. Hindsight and age has left me with the clarity to see what he did not have the courage to say: “Nony, I love you but we are not right for each other.” Those words would have saved me a lot of years but I wouldn’t have learned these 9 valuable lessons. I hope my experience helps you:
1. You can’t make them love you
Stop trying to “fix” yourself or change harmless aspects of yourself that are fundamentally you. No matter how much you try to conform or pretend to like things you secretly hate, you can’t make anyone love you or love you in the way that you deserve to be loved.
2. You can’t change anyone
No amount of nagging, hoping, praying, begging, cajoling will make a person change an aspect of themselves that they do not want to change. Your energy is better served finding someone who already embodies the qualities and values that you cherish.
3. Words are meaningless - action is all that matters
If they wanted to, they WOULD have. It’s really that simple. No matter what is said, the only thing that has any meaning and holds any value is what is done.
4. Indecision is a decision
A person taking an unreasonably long time to decide something is them deciding that very thing! For Example: If he is not sure he wants to get married, therefore you’re sitting there in limbo, he has indeed decided because guess what: YOU’RE NOT MARRIED.
5. Watch and listen very closely, especially in the beginning
Spend less time trying to impress them or assigning meaning where it doesn’t exist and more time listening, watching and observing their actions, their words, if they do the things they say they will do, if they are dependable, honest, honorable.
6. Red Flags ALWAYS come back to bite you in your 🍑
The red flag today will be the cloth that hangs you in the future. Every single woman I know who has had a bad break up admits that the main issue was visible in the beginning: abuse, neglect, unkindness, womanizing, selfishness, lack of dependability etc. The signs are there. Run for your life!
7. Past behavior is often a predictor of future behavior
No preacher, psychic, witch, gypsy or native doctor can predict anyone’s future behavior more accurately than their past behavior. If they have cheated on every single partner before you, have a string of angry ex-wives lying in their wake, if every single previous relationship has been dramatic or hell for their exes, you have a pretty clear picture of what’s in store for you.
8. It shouldn’t be that hard
Romantic comedies and love songs have convinced us that love is hard and that it should hurt a lot. They tell us that chaos is passion and the unsettled feeling that we call “butterflies” is a good sign. Utter nonsense. I strongly disagree with the notion that relationships are hard. Life is hard, circumstances can be hard and they can definitely complicate relationships but the actual relationship should be easy. If you are both communicative, respectful, kind, loving, considerate to each other and on the same page about what you both want, what will be “hard” about the relationship?
9. Sometimes love is not enough
Unfortunately love does not always conquer all. Love cannot fix incompatibility issues, heal unresolved traumas, overcome unsupportive family members, bridge age gaps, erase painful memories, reduce distance and so on. Our hearts should not be the sole guide in relationships, unromantically, our brains have a huge role to play.