Ask Nony: Do You Believe in “Right Person, Wrong Time?”

Question

I was at a dinner with some friends yesterday and we were going back and forth about whether “right person, wrong time” is a legitimate thing. You see, I met a really good guy four months ago and it was great up until the last few weeks when he told me that he’s spread way too thin dealing with his mom’s health issues, work, and school and that he’s not doing enough for me. He didn’t go into details re: his mom’s stuff but he’s singularly responsible for her care, so I can imagine that it’s really intense for him. The question is whether I should block his number and cut him out. I have no hostility towards him. I just can’t wait for him. It’s been two weeks since we have spoken.

Answer

Look, I believe that it is possible to meet a wonderful person that you cannot be with due to timing. Some examples of this is if perhaps one of you is not divorced yet, or you’re both too young to appreciate what you have, or one of you is simply not ready to commit. In all of these situations it is best to move on, regardless of how wonderful that person may be. I think that may be the solution in your situation as well because can they really be the “right person” if they are not ready and available?

I told my husband about your conundrum and he said: “I don’t see what one thing has to do with the other.” In other words, if this guy felt that you were truly the woman for him, he would not let you go. You would be his relief and solace in a very difficult time. He would see you as his partner, friend and support system (assuming that you have been behaving as such). I’m sorry to say this so harshly, but I believe he is walking away because he doesn’t see you as any of that.

You both are in your late 30’s. There is no way that if he really saw you as his future wife and mother of his children he would let you go because he “isn’t doing enough for you.” If you two really had a future together, he would be calling you to tell you what’s happening, you would be squeezing quick moments in between both of your schedules, laughing together, crying together, getting closer. Four months is enough to start growing into this level of intimacy with someone who wants to be open and intimate.

I do want to address something: there is a question of why he used the words he used, “he doesn’t feel like he is doing enough for you.” To me it just sounds like an excuse but you need to ask yourself if he said this because you had unreasonable expectations of him during an intense time for him. I happen to know your character, so I don’t believe that to be the case, but if there is a part of you that thinks this may have played a part, I want you to take that lesson into your next relationship. But truthfully, the right guy, who absolutely adores you, would probably not feel unduly burdened by your needs. He would try to work it out.

On how to proceed: If you know that there is a part of you that will always be secretly waiting for him, then I would delete his number and socials. If he is texting you, asking to see you and stringing you along with no commitment, I would block him. But if you are truly moved on from him and expect absolutely nothing, then I suppose you can just leave his number there. I don’t think you are totally moved on, since you asked me this question.

My darling, we don’t have time to be strung along by anybody. I hate to be harsh but you have to be spending time and opening your heart to available men only.

I’m a big fan of leaving nothing unsaid. If he reaches out to you to hang out with no commitment you could say to him, “look I adore you but I’m afraid if we keep talking, I will develop deeper feelings and I can’t take that risk.” And that’s it. A good man will understand and not string you along.