Ask Nony: I’m 36, Single and Over It. Is it Time for Solo Motherhood?
@thevitamindproject
Question
Hi Nony. I’m 36 and Single. Realistically is marriage going to happen for me? I’m considering solo motherhood.
Answer
It’s hard to answer without knowing much about you. What you’re like, what you’re looking for, how you spend your time, how much effort you’re putting into finding a mate, what your energy is like and how you manage stress. What I will say is that finding a good partner can still absolutely happen for you! You can read my advice on how here.
The fact that you asked this question is a good sign because it means that unlike a lot of other women, you are honest about how important finding a lifetime partner and creating a family is to you. That’s the first and most important step.
The second step is to do an honest analysis of your situation. Do you know yourself deeply? Your strengths and impediments? Are you doing everything you can to attract a good partner? Are you taking care of yourself, open to social invitations, meeting new people, using matchmakers and dating apps? Can you expand your social circle? Do you travel?
Examine your criteria list. I’m not sure if you’re religious or not but if God or the universe asked you what exactly to send you what would you tell him/it? Would you focus on physical traits or character traits? Generosity or wealth? Kindness or coolness? Analyze if there is anything you are looking for that is making your option pool much smaller than it has to be (examples: Nationality, ethnic group, race, age, income bracket). I wouldn’t recommend that you compromise on these things: hardworking, kind, respects women, wants a family, has the same idea of how to spend his life as you do, nice to be with.
Don’t ever lose faith. Stay positive and active in your “search.” It could happen at any time and any age. As an old boss of mine used to tell me when I had come close to giving up: “Nony, everyone gets married!”
This brings me to your next point about considering solo motherhood. Please take some time to read or watch my interview with Katie Bryan who successfully pursued solo motherhood so that you can understand everything it entails. While I think a two parent home is the ideal, I also know that I would have done everything in my power to become a mother, even if I had never met my husband. If you choose to do it, you would be joining a growing number of women who don’t want to wait for the “perfect mate”. I can’t tell you when to go for it though, only you can make that decision. But here are some things to consider.
Where are you mentally? Are you prepared for some judgement from strangers and potentially friends and family? Have you accepted that this is your new story and not the old story you once held (i.e. falling madly in love with someone and starting a family together?)
Do you have a support system to help you along in fertility treatments, pregnancy and those crucial first three years? This support can be in the form of friends and family, other single mothers by choice, mom groups, paid help, night nurse.
Dating as a single mother is very different from dating without children. It is not impossible but you will lack free time, won’t feel like your old self for a long while and your pool of men would probably look different. Are you OK all of this?
If you want me to tell you what to do, there is risk in this answer, but you should spend the next two to two and a half years dating very purposefully and strategically. If in that time you don’t find yourself in a relationship that is very clearly leading to marriage and babies, with a man that is open to fertility help, I would start the process of finding a sperm donor.